Trauma, Difficult Experiences, and the Hope for Healing

I have a friend who, a few decades ago, had pain somewhere in his back from a surgery that lasted years before it gave him fewer worries. You’d think that once the surgery was over and the stitches were out, it would end. But no. Years later, even the lightest touch near the spot could send him into a full-body reaction like he’d just been stabbed.

At first, I thought he was being dramatic. You know how some people can be. But then I realised he wasn’t joking. The pain wasn’t just in his back anymore; it had moved into his memory. His body still reacted as though the surgery had happened yesterday, even though the wound had long since healed.

Several years later, working in the mental health space, I realised that this is similar to the traumatic experiences that people have stored up. It wasn’t the surgery that was the pain to him, but it had left a memory that lingered well beyond the period of the surgery and continued to cause him pain.

And that is how trauma works.

Between traumatic and difficult events

To be clear, all traumatic situations are difficult, but not all difficult occurrences are traumatic. Think of it this way:

1. Difficult Event: You get stuck in traffic for four hours, miss an important meeting, and now your boss is giving you the ‘bombastic’ side-eye. That isn’t easy. Annoying? Yes. Frustrating? Absolutely. But you’ll live.

2. Traumatic Event: You get into a car accident during that traffic jam. Now, whenever you hear a honk or see brake lights, your body tenses up, your heart races, and suddenly, you feel like you’re about to relive that crash. This is trauma.

I like the way Dr Gabor, a leading expert on trauma, puts it:

Trauma is not what happens to you. It is what happens inside you due to what happened to you.

It is not just the event that causes pain but how our minds and bodies continue to carry it. That’s why two people can go through the same difficult experience, but one may walk away with lasting trauma while the other moves on.

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Trauma has its version of ‘muscle memory’. It will quietly wait in the nervous system for something to trigger memories from the past. It could be a smell, a sound, or a particular expression on someone’s face. And then, as if no time had passed, you’re back there, feeling every emotion. This is why some people avoid particular songs, places, and even some meals, not because they dislike them but because they have associated them with an unpleasant memory that refuses to fade away.

The essence of trauma is disconnection from the self. Therefore, the essence of healing is not just recovering from the past but reconnecting with yourself in the present. – Dr. Gabor

The good news is that healing is possible. Just like my friend’s back pain eventually lessened, trauma doesn’t have to control you forever. But the thing is, it usually doesn’t just go away on its own. It requires conscious effort. The following can help you find your healing:

1. Acknowledge the Pain: Healing begins when we stop ignoring or downplaying what has happened. Acknowledging your pain is the first step to making changes.

2. Reframe the Story: Rather than viewing yourself as broken, see yourself as a survivor. The fact that you are reading this suggests you have already begun making efforts towards recovery.

3. Seek Out Safe Spaces: Community is frequently where healing occurs. Whether it’s therapy, support groups, or trustworthy friends, find a place to process your feelings without being judged.

4. Practice Self-Compassion: Speak to yourself with the same kindness you would to a loved one. Healing is about learning to live with the suffering, not about forgetting.

Trauma will leave its mark, true. Certain wounds will take longer to heal than others, which is true. However, avoiding trauma will not make it disappear. Your freedom begins when you face the trauma, understand it, and learn from it. The past may have shaped you, but it does not need to define you. You can rewrite your story. And when you do, you’ll see in a different light.

Healing is possible!

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Oluwaseun Dawodu

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